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 Pull my finger….

The Washington Post observed the other day that “Daniels leaving opens the GOP field to late entrants”. Hilarious.  There are no candidates and those that are there are jumping ship smartish. Now this happens every electoral cycle, it’s just that I think it’s early on this round for quite this comprehensive a shake out.

I mean, where are they all? All you can see is an undignified scrabble for the exits.  Is the theatre on fire?  The stage is getting pretty bare and the
understudies don’t seem to have turned up.  It’s looking poor for the Republicans.

Representative Mike Pense left.  Not bad, but he is a representative so really had no chance.

Governor Haley Barbour has left the room, a walking, talking, living, blob of  lard arsed white southern privilege, who thought racism in the 60’s hadn’t been that bad.  Oh, and he shouts lots.  In a southern accent.  Like Foghorn Leghorn.  Another comic.

Daniels left because he actually spoke some sense and that just wouldn’t do, and he was edged out by the powers that be.

Trump left in a fluster, all hair spray, indignation, and huff.  The only candidate that was independently able to fund his own campaign, but who never had the legs for it. The long run is not The Donald’s run. Money, yes, but no oligarchic background therefore no chance.

Huckabee, too, has decided God has better things to do this year than fund his campaign so he is out too.  Popular with social conservatives but without God’s money and funding and no oligarchical background therefore no chance so out.

Jeb Bush is not exactly out, as he has never claimed to be in.  The surname is still poison but every time he is written off he says just enough to be remembered.  If it all goes awfully wrong he is still standing about in the wings.  Money and oligarchy would make him a credible candidate.

So who is left?  Oh boy, what delights remain on offer to a public hungry for something, anything to save them ?

Tim (Nice but dim) Pawlenty. Unknown, except as the best known unknown candidate.  Nice guy, earnest, pleasant but with not much upstairs and neither money nor oligarchical background therefore no chance so he too is out.

Huntsman.  Now thatThune is out, (did I mention Thune? No? Probably as well.)  Huntsman is the best placed for being the good-looking-Western-guy candidate.  I don’t think he is well enough known for a realistic run, but a trot round the primaries and then latching on to his fellow Mormon Romney would ease him up the charts for 2016. But he and Romney are cousins and both branches of their family have been feuding like true backwoodsmen for years, so the chances of a leg up from Mittens is remote.

Ron Paul.  Oh dear grief.  Really?  Does anyone else think of Werther’s Originals and a nice warm glass of malted milk every time they see him?  The most promising newcomer of 1935?   Filling in the traditional McCain slot of “grumpy old grandpa” candidate.   I know we have to appeal to the grey panther vote nowadays, but this old coffin dodger is well past his prime. He will either have died of the strain of it all, or be out by Christmas.

Newt Gingrich the fat guy whose name sounds like a gum disease.  Yep, he is intelligent no doubt about that, but he is irascible and unlikeable and he has made a huge number of enemies in the past who would all like a chance to strike back.  His affairs and broken marriages are unlikely to play well with the Catholics and women, and he just doesn’t have enough money at this time to go.  That, and he is deaf to the boos and entreaties to get off the stage.  He too is out (he just doesn’t know it yet).

The pizza guy Herman Cain. Oh God.  No.  How much can I say no?  Herman is a Tea Party wannabe when there are representatives of the real deal in the field. That and the fact he can’t find Afghanistan on a map.  With both hands….and a flashlight.  No chance but his failing will amuse.

Rick Santorum.  Too old fashioned, too religious and too dull a speaker.  He used to be good but I feel its all a little lacklustre.  No new ideas just the same old same old.  Add to that those appalling Google searches.  Oh, and no money either.

Michelle Bechman.  Well she is reasonable as a candidate. She wants to be Sarah Palin but doesn’t quite do it.  It’s as if she can’t quite bring herself to be that downmarket.  And saying you’re going to announce your run in a place called Waterloo!  Maybe it doesn’t have the same resonance as
it might in Britain but it must have every sub-editor on the edge of their seats dribbling in anticipation.

Mitt Romney.  Old money, old family.  Oligarchical and funded.  This is the boy.  There is no one else.  The rest is all smoke and mirrors.

But there is one last candidate.

And of course it’s the golden girl herself.  The only pitbull the Republicans have.  The only candidate recognised instantly the world over and the only candidate who can be guaranteed to lift the Republicans into contention.  It is of course your own (and by God you are welcome to her) the sainted Sarah.   Riding in on a whirlwind tour of the iconic places in American history, ready to save America, Sarah has electrified the candidates debate like no other.  No really, like no other.  There is no one in the Republican party at the moment with the same pizzazz the sheer common touch and media savvy.  Just the thought she was actually, really, honest going  to run has lit up the web like Christmas.  I have been saying this for long and weary but she really does have a chance.  Not of President of course, Romney is too strong for that, but of the Vice Presidential ticket.  The Republicans could spike the Tea Party by putting their girl on the ticket.  Now if they can just hold their noses and go for it the Republicans have a really interesting team there.


Copyright David Macadam 2011